JaneI knew God at an early age. I tried to do the right thing growing up. I never got into too much trouble because I knew the consequences. When I grew up things became harder and cloudier.
I was in a bad marriage for 13 years. I thought this was the man I was suppose to marry. He was a Christian. He was also abusive. On top of the physical and mental abuse I found out I could not have children easily. I also came down with a chronic auto-immune disease.
God blessed me in those terrible years. He blessed me with three beautiful, healthy children. It took me 7 years before I could have them. I was so happy when I finally became pregnant. But I yearned for love.
After having three children and sinking low in self-esteem I got a phone call from a cousin who was having marital problems. His wife left him and the kids. I reminded him of the days when we grew up and when things were wonderful. I longed for those days. He and I talked on and off for weeks.
I finally confessed the abuse and he made me tell my family. They were suspicious for years. Now they knew. They came and got me out of that horrible hole and rescued me. I was bitter and angry at my husband for the lack of love and what he did to my self esteem. I ran away with the kids to my familyís arms. It was all so secret. My husband thought I was just visiting. I had to lie to him.
After awhile I had my own apartment, job and the kids were in daycare and school. They were scared and so was I. I could handle standing alone, but I hated what he did to my kids and to me. I thought God was blessing me. I had so much anger. I remember the times my husband hit me. Even pregnant, he punched me in the stomach. His family just turned their heads. I was so angry. I was free, so I thought. I thought God opened a door for me. But He had another path.
I just stopped listening when I left. Instead of listening to Him, I listened to my cousin. He had plans, too. He wanted us to open our own business and kiss our families good-bye. He even wanted to marry me. I thought, why not? So we had a secret affair. He and I are so much alike, He could not possibly hurt me. So I thought. Then I saw a familiar pattern in him. That woke me up out of my dream state. I was sitting at my desk at work and I knew, I KNEW two angels were at my side. I was praying that God take away my bitterness, pain and anger. He did. Just like that. And I started thinking clearly again.
I sat there and realized that ignoring my husbandís pleas might not have been Godís will. Now mind you, this was between me and God. Not everyone has this same situation.
I got up from my desk and the angels came with me. I walked across the room and came to a secure phone. I called my husband and asked him if He really changed. And I listened to him this time. He said God meant for him to take care of me and to love me. He told me he was wrong and he loved me and to give him another chance. I felt God pushing me and that it was really Ok., because I have heard this before. But this was different. It was very different.
I paused and prayed and made up my mind. I asked my husband if I could come back home. He tearfully said YES! And he came and picked me up the next week. My family was furious. They did not understand the spiritual war that was going on. My cousin found out and he was furious. I locked all the doors and left through the back entrance when my cousin came.
God protected us. Itís funny how God works because I was not fully convinced and was scared of my husband. The day he came to get me, I fell violently ill. His family came down too and I had it out with them. I straightened every thing out. I did not want to have a fake relationship with them and they were very sorry. God worked in their hearts, too!
They took the kids back and I stayed for a week recovering. I was in the emergency room twice and I almost died. I had an allergic reaction. My husband was there the whole time. Funny, when I thought I was going to die he took my hand and asked if there was someone else. He doesnít know why to this day he asked that. I was so glad he did because I did not want to keep that a secret. I told him about my cousin and thought, if he rejects me then thatís that. But he looked at me and said, ďI caused all of this. You should have been loved from the very beginning. This is all my fault.Ē
I could not believe it. It was like a dream, or a movie. He took care of me for a week and I could see he really changed. He was different. This was almost unreal. I heard all the horror stories from others. But this time, in this case, he really changed!
We went through marriage counseling and he still denies after he confessed the abuse, but thatís normal. This usually does not happen in real life, but it did. My husband let God change his heart. He is now kind, caring, and he really loves me! It is just incredible.
I still deal with the guilt of the affair, but I know God forgave me. When I was in the emergency room, there was talk that I had a sexually transmitted disease. But I came out clean. I donít deserve such a blessing. God is still working on me. I still have the nightmarish memories of what he did and what I ended up doing. It almost ended in a what I call a ďnormal tragedyĒ. But it didnít.
God didnít have to do this, but He did. My husband and I both relinquished our wills to Him. Thatís what did it. We dropped all our pride, our bitterness, our greed and came to Him and He healed our hearts.